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Help, I’m Steppin’ Into The Twilight Zone

SPOILER ALERT:  If you are following the “Twilight” series exclusively via the films (or haven’t finished the books), you may not want to read this post, as it (sort of) gives away the end.  And you might be really, really disappointed.

Gretchen, our Fearless Spin Cycle Leader, is an actress in Los Angeles and as such has decreed our spins this week should be about movies, in honor of the upcoming Academy Awards.  There was a time, as an avid movie-goer, that I could intelligently discuss many of the nominated films, but these days we tend to wait for movies we really want to see to come out on DVD; we wait for the rest to go to Netflix instant play.  (All Hail the Big Screen TV!)

There will be no intelligent discussions in this post.

First, let me just admit say that yes, I have read all four Twilight books.  In my defense, it was mostly for two reasons:  to see if the actual writing would improve (it didn’t) and out of morbid curiosity – could the plot line possibly get any more absurd?  (It could.)  The fact that I was amazed at the message these books were sending to their intended audience – adolescent girls – was just an unpleasant surprise.  I’ve also seen the first two films, and to say they lived down to my expectations in a spectacular fashion is something of an understatement.

It was this very plot line that became the subject of a conversation Saturday morning between me and Beloved, as we drove to one of the semi-monthly farmer’s markets available at this time of year.  Don’t ask me how it came up, but we found ourselves discussing the peculiar notion some people of an intensely religious persuasion have that the Harry Potter novels are some sort of plot to turn The Upstanding Christian Youth Of Our Country into black-arts-practicing-Wiccans  (yes, we have odd discussions).  At some point, Beloved said something about the Twilight series being equally reviled, to which I replied:

“Actually, no – it’s been praised by a great many people for it’s strong ‘abstinence before marriage’ and anti-abortion messages.”

Looking appropriately perplexed, Beloved asked, “Abstinence?  Abortion?  What?  Before or after he sucks her blood?”

“Well, he never sucks her blood,” I reply.  “He never sucks anyone’s blood – he’s a vegetarian.”

“How the hell can a vampire be a vegetarian?!?”

“He only sucks the blood of animals, not humans.”

“And that makes him a vegetarian.”

“Hey – I don’t make the news, I only report it.”

“This is for ethical reasons?”

“Yup.”

“Just animals.”

“Yup.”

“Like the cat next door?”

“Oh, no,” I say.  “They hunt dangerous animals – like cougars and grizzly bears – in an attempt to assuage their more bestial nature.” (Note:  don’t ask me how PETA has missed out on this, because I couldn’t tell you.)

“Okay…so if he never sucks her blood, how does it all end?”

“You really don’t want to know.”

“Yes, I do.”

“NO, you don’t.  Trust me on this.”

“C’mon – don’t leave me hanging; tell me.”

“Read the damn books yourself, then!”

“I’d rather not.”

“Then watch the movies; they’re reasonably faithful to the books.”

“I don’t want to waste my time.”

“Well, I don’t want to waste my time telling you about them!”

“You’ve got me intrigued – I won’t leave you alone until you tell me.”

“You’re going to be sorry you insisted.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Oooookaaaaay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.  Let me think about how to put this, because it’s just THAT stupid.”

Beloved laughs.

“Yeah, you’re laughing now…So, he pressures her into marrying him because he’s ‘old fashioned’ and won’t have sex until he’s married and then he knocks her up – ”

“Wait – he’s a vampire and he can have sex and get someone pregnant?”

“Don’t interrupt.  Anyway, the baby is killing her and she won’t let them give her an abortion and then the baby breaks her spine and he injects his ‘venom’ into her while performing a c-section on her with his teeth and the werewolf guy becomes fixated on the baby and someone tells the vampire mafia that they’ve made a child into a vampire which is against the rules and the vampire mafia comes after them so the ‘good guy’ vampires recruit a whole bunch of other vampires from all over the world to help them battle the vampire mafia but when the vampire mafia shows up there’s no battle and everyone lives happily ever after.”

“…you’re right, I wish I hadn’t asked.”

“I told you so.”


19 comments

MamaBadger says:

Just remind me again how showing a girl your “sparkly” side is supposed to convince her you’re dangerous? Yeah, it was pretty much krappe from word one.

Jan says:

Yeah, and now I’ve had to explain THAT to him, too.

Be says:

I still wish I hadn’t asked.

Michele says:

Now, I’m glad I never read the books or watched any of the movies. That is one dumbass plot and ending.

Jan says:

That’s putting it mildly.

I LOL’d when I saw this. I can sum it up from a Facebook status update I once put on my Timeline:

I don’t normally do these types of things, but this was actually pretty fun. Such gibberish!

TYPE YOUR NAME: Jason
TYPE YOUR NAME WITH YOUR ELBOW: KkjlASDFON
TYPE YOUR NAME WITH YOUR CHIN: HUJYQASIUBH
SLAM YOUR FACE ON THE KEYBOARD: About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him – and I din’t know how potent that part might be – that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

Jan says:

I’ve seen that – it still makes me laugh.

The only reason I can’t wait for Part II is so I don’t have to go to any more of those horrible movies.

Jan says:

Well, at least you’re not a victim of the whole Harry Potter plot to make us all curse-spewing Wiccans. But then again, neither am I so at least I’m in good company. :D

Gretchen says:

I witnessed a wonderfully subversive phenomenon when Jude and I were at Cub Scout camp recently. A big crowd of 6 to 9 year old boys were playing in the woods together. As all boys have since the dawn of time, they each grabbed sticks to use as weapons against each other. But instead of turning these sticks into swords or guns, they used them as…wands. “Expelliarmus!” “Avada Cadavra!” “MOOOOM! Jack’s using forbidden curses!”. I’m sure they’ll all be practicing Wiccans soon.

You are linked!!

Jan says:

You’ll be glad to know that both I and Oldest Son guffawed – yes, guffawed – at “MOOOOM! Jack’s using forbidden curses!”

Ahhhh…I love it.

Jen says:

I am just trying to figure out what the grounding time is for using a forbidden curse!

And that is why I haven’t read the books or watched the movies -
Although this was good for a GREAT laugh today!
(Which I really appreciate since I’m up to my ears in photo editing!)
: )

Jan says:

Hey – any day you’re editing lots of photos is a GOOD day, because that means we’re going to see a lot of really GREAT pictures soon!!

Aimee says:

OMG, those books were so…I don’t have a word for them. I read them all for the same reason you did…I just HAD to see where she’d go next! It was highly entertaining, just for that reason. I can’t bring myself to watch the movies, but a friend told me I should, just because they’re fun to laugh at. I cannot believe the number of women our age who are gaga over them. It’s incredible!

Jen says:

Wow. Now I am about ten million bazillion times happier I didn’t waste my time with the books (not being a fan of poor writing) or the movies.

Though the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 fellas have spoofed all three.

That’s probably the only way they’re even mildly watchable, though.

Wow.

That’s really awful. And totally absurd, too!

Michele R. says:

The best part of those books for me was seeing the first movie with my sister-in-laws and a niece who talked us into it. It was a hoot! Sigh, Bella went for the cold rich guy rather than the warm, poor guy.

Michele R. says:

P.S. I meant to add that your conversation was priceless!

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