Note: It will really help make this post funnier if you read it to yourself in a slightly inebriated, Texas accent. So you can get the full effect and all.
I went to bed worried last night because I’d pretty much shot my wad yesterday with the Halloween reminiscences. I had absolutely no idea what I was going to write about today. In fact, it worried me so much I dreamt last night that I would blog about meeting Carole, who is really an odd duck, while I was in Texas recently. The problem is, I haven’t been in Texas for over a year and don’t know anyone named Carole, strange waterfowl or not.
At any rate, I was saved from my bloggy dilemma this morning when I picked up my glasses to put them on my face, just like I do every morning, and they fell apart. My $450, lineless, scratch-resistant bifocals, without which I can’t see doodly-squat. Panicking, I grabbed an old pair of reading glasses I had stashed in my nightstand, threw $2 at The Young One for lunch, told him to eat cereal for breakfast, and sat down at the dining room table (which doubles as my desk) to try and remedy the situation.
With a butter knife.
Because I’m just handy that way.
First off, butter knives don’t work real well on those tiny little screws that hold glasses together. Second of all, you never really realize just how filthy your carpet is until you get down on your hands and knees to look for that tiny little screw you just dropped on the floor. Needless to say, I could not find the tiny little screw, although I did find some dandy filth, so I scrounged up another pair of old reading glasses (before I swallowed my pride and got bifocals, I had 132 pair of $3 reading glasses stashed all over the house, which irritated Beloved to no end because they were all pink or purple and he felt like a fool using them), and immediately broke them trying to figure out how to get one of the tiny little screws out. Which was fine, really, because the tiny little screw just fell out on the table in front of me. Having learned my lesson, I put it in a plastic, ziplock sandwich bag along with the lense and frames and took them to the office with me.
While there are some things that irritate the bejebus out of me about being the only woman in the office – no one ever notices when you’re wearing a cute new outfit and the only time they comment on your haircut is when it’s awful – most of the time it’s a good thing because as a group, men are really handy with tools. When you work in an office full of geeks, they can be REALLY handy with tools, especially small, precision tools that need to be used with tiny little screws that hold your bifocals together. So I handed my plastic, ziplock sandwich bag to TC – *waves frantically* Hi, TC! (he and his wife read my blog) – and asked him if he could help. Whereupon he rolled his eyes, muttered “What, AGAIN???” under his breath and then announced he’d be pleased as punch to help.
So, I wandered off to my office, secure in the knowledge that I’d left my vision in the capable hands of a computer nerd. A little while later, during my daily quest for morning coffee, I passed TC’s office. He was on his hands and knees under his desk – apparently, hideous indoor/outdoor carpet isn’t any more conducive to finding tiny little screws than filthy, cream-colored deep pile.
Eventually, TC went to his car, found a pair of his own old glasses and disassembled them, using one of the tiny little screws to fix my bifocals.
Or fear of unemployment.
Anyhoo, not too long after I had my bifocals back on my face where they belonged, I got a call from the school nurse saying The Young One had been in her office twice complaining of fatigue and a headache, but he had no fever. He’s not the kind of kid to play sick, so I brought him home – and he’s slept all day on the sofa and is now feverish.
That’s what I get for forcing store-brand Froot Loops and cafeteria food on him, being the sorry excuse of a (blind) mother that I am. Not to mention the last time he was sick I got a cataclysmic case of the flu. For the first time in five years.
And I had the day from hell in the office. You don’t even want to know.
And Beloved’s out of town on business AGAIN.
Couple all of this with a rip-roaring case of PMS and it should explain why I’ve had three glasses of shiraz, four fun-sized Snicker bars, two pieces of cornbread and a healthy plate of Double Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper.
And am doing my Scarlett O’Hare impression…’cuz, hon, tomorrow is another day. Thank gawd.
I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you you have till 11:59 EDT tomorrow to leave me a comment and/or link from your blog for a chance to win a $25 gift certificate to Amazon.com.
It’s just one big Giveaway-a-rama in the blogosphere this week.
I also have a couple of shout-outs.
Plungergirl – A fellow texpatriate, she’s an extremely opinionated, intelligent young woman with a sinkful of dishes and a houseful of pets. If she weren’t married already I’d introduce her to Oldest Son.
Nothing Fancy – she may be a Redskins fan, but seems to be all right despite that. I think we may be able to get past our little football differences. At least once the Super Bowl is over.
Haute Flash Contessa – one visit to her blog and she had me laughing so hard I just had to add her to my blogroll.
And that is all for tonight folks. I’ll be back tomorrow with some Friday Randomness.
If I don’t break my bifocals again.