Dear Ed Harris:
We purchased and watched Appaloosa, the movie you co-wrote, directed and starred in, on DVD Friday night.
I would like my $12.99 and 2 hours back, please.
It had, well, YOU in it. Viggo Mortensen. Jeremy Irons. Lance Henriksen. It was based on a novel by Robert B. Parker. It had the potential to be absolutely drool-worthy on so many levels I can’t even begin to go into them. What is was, though, was a 2-dimensional piece of doo-doo that has been done before – and done to death, I might add – with Rene Zellweger as a Wild West nymphomaniac in school-marm’s clothing thrown in for…what? Shits and giggles?
Do me a favor and go back to making movies like, I dunno, The Abyss? At least it was mildly entertaining to watch Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio chew up the scenery and Michael Biehn go whacko…for nearly four hours (bless James Cameron’s self-indulgent little pea-pickin’ heart).
At any rate, Ed – hon, sweetie. Please understand that I am quite sincere in my request that you never, ever, EVER make one of the Spenser novels into a movie. ‘K? Thanks.