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Mulch Ado About Nothing

I’m still absolutely overwhelmed, and am SO grateful that Jen at Sprite’s Keeper has given us a break this week and let us pick out our favorite posts for the Spin Cycle.   This is from April 2008, before I had any readers to speak of, and is relevant and at least mildly amusing.  One caveat:  Darling Daughter has done an admirable job of getting her shit together since this was originally posted.  Haven’t you, my little Elk’s Lodge chaplain?

I’ll catch up with all of my reading and commenting once things have calmed down a bit.  In the meantime, have a lovely weekend, y’all.

Spring has arrived and so has our mulch, which Beloved has been enthusiastically spreading for the past several days. The first day he performed this yearly chore, the kids went outside to be dragged around by walk the dog and stopped dead in their tracks.

“It smells like ass out here,” Darling Daughter declared. We’d have asked her how she knows what ass smells like, but since she has her head stuck so far up her own it really wasn’t necessary. (You have to understand I love this kid to death, but if she doesn’t get her shit together soon I’m going to have to kill her.)

However, she isn’t that far off – the stuff is fragrant. And the simile has stuck; while running our errands this morning, we stopped by the discount store and picked up 10 more bags of what The Young One now refers to as “Ass Mulch.” Now none of us can stop calling it that – our grandchildren are probably going to refer to Spring as “Ass Mulch Season” and we’ll all end up explaining ourselves to a school psychologist some day.

Of course, the entire town smells like ass these days (since it is that time of year) and that made me think about those people who are of a green and/or money saving disposition and make their own compost and mulch. The “why” part of that is understandable, but I have a real problem with the “how??” Where do you put it while it’s getting all, well, ripe? I can’t see keeping it in the house or garage, so do you just, like, keep a big pile of slowly decomposing crap in the back yard? Wouldn’t that cause your neighbors to complain and lower your property values? How would you keep the dog from jumping in it and rolling around every time you let him out to do his part in the lawn fertilization process?

Do you fence it off and post large “Beware of Mulch” signs? Go all Martha Stewart and construct a camouflaging-yet-decorative container out of old, flowered-patterned sheets and wire coat hangers? I suppose you could pack it away neatly in some of those 30-gallon plastic leaf bags, but it seems to me that would hinder the decomposition and render the attempt to be “green” rather pointless. Not to mention that once it was bagged, your teenage son would probably take the whole kit-and-kaboodle to the curb on trash day for the first – and only – time in his life without being asked.

You see, these are the kinds of things that keep us city-raised-but-moved-to-a-small-town-girls up at night.


15 comments

John bought ten bags of mulch last weekend and my van STILL smells!
DD wasn’t far off on her smelling instincts. You’re linked!
.-= Sprite’s Keeper´s last blog ..Recycling is good for the environment, yes? =-.

And why is it some mulch smells so much worse than OTHER mulch?
Points to be pondered ….
.-= Twenty Four At Heart´s last blog ..I Might Have Made A Scene At The Flower Fields =-.

I’m actually looking forward to the air around here smelling like ass.
Of course, my backyard is dug up at the moment for a new septic system, so we’ve got a whole diffeent smell of ass happening around here…
Happy Easter!
.-= Maureen@IslandRoar´s last blog ..Maureen D. =-.

LPC says:

Ha! I think they also make compost out of cocoa husks now….
.-= LPC´s last blog ..And Stately Boulevards Precede Us. India, 1982 =-.

Suzicate says:

In need of some “ass mulch” around here. My new word for the weekend.
.-= Suzicate´s last blog ..Ceremonial Jingle Dancer =-.

Erin says:

Too funny.
Have a good weekend, Jan. I hope things calm down soon. xo
.-= Erin´s last blog ..rockstars and skunk stripes =-.

Anne Gibert says:

Isn’t it odd that what smells bad to us humans smells so delicious to dogs and promotes lovely flowers?

Have a good, relaxing weekend.
.-= Anne Gibert´s last blog ..The Camper, the chickens and the eggs =-.

Patty says:

Oh, that’s funny! I especially like the idea that you may one day be explaining it all to a school psychologist!
.-= Patty´s last blog ..Spin Cycle–Favorite Post =-.

Be says:

Almost as bad as the stuff we spray on the plants to keep the bunnies from eating them – made from rotten eggs and blood. Makes ass mulch smell good!

Mrsbear says:

Tee-hee. Ass mulch. We bought eight sacks of it last week, although I’m afraid I haven’t gotten close enough to remark what orifice its scent brings to mind…but then again, I wipe enough actual asses on a daily basis that spreading the ass mulch…not my job. ;)

Whoa, that comment just read nastier than it actually is!
.-= Mrsbear´s last blog ..Recycled Roaches and the Spin Cycle =-.

Pseudo says:

My niece uses that expression – but usually in reference to her two teen boy cousins’ rooms….

I am getting ready to do some gardening at our new place that has a real yard. Now I know to use teen boy’s truck when picking up the mulch…since it smells like ass anyways.
.-= Pseudo´s last blog ..A Heavenly Redux =-.

I am SO going to refer to it as “Ass Mulch” when we go pick up our annual supply!! :)
.-= Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)´s last blog ..Silly Saturday – Pilot Chatter =-.

Gretchen says:

Thanks for reminding me I need to mulch. I’m afraid Jude (not being old enough to actually know the word “ass”) calls it cow poop mulch. I keep trying to clarify that it’s atually “steer poop”, but whatever.
.-= Gretchen´s last blog ..10 Blog Carnival Themes I’m Considering =-.

Mama Badger says:

Mulch, litter box, diaper pail. Yeah, my whole life smells like ass these days. Makes you wonder why I bother to shower.

Glad to know DD finally got it together!
.-= Mama Badger´s last blog ..I’d rather be… Monday =-.

Ginger says:

Ha ha the BEST part of this post is the title! I LOVE it!
.-= Ginger´s last blog ..Our Harrowing Drive to Raleigh, Being Chased by a Dragon =-.

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