Help, I’m Steppin’ Into The Twilight Zone

SPOILER ALERT:  If you are following the “Twilight” series exclusively via the films (or haven’t finished the books), you may not want to read this post, as it (sort of) gives away the end.  And you might be really, really disappointed.

Gretchen, our Fearless Spin Cycle Leader, is an actress in Los Angeles and as such has decreed our spins this week should be about movies, in honor of the upcoming Academy Awards.  There was a time, as an avid movie-goer, that I could intelligently discuss many of the nominated films, but these days we tend to wait for movies we really want to see to come out on DVD; we wait for the rest to go to Netflix instant play.  (All Hail the Big Screen TV!)

There will be no intelligent discussions in this post.

First, let me just admit say that yes, I have read all four Twilight books.  In my defense, it was mostly for two reasons:  to see if the actual writing would improve (it didn’t) and out of morbid curiosity – could the plot line possibly get any more absurd?  (It could.)  The fact that I was amazed at the message these books were sending to their intended audience – adolescent girls – was just an unpleasant surprise.  I’ve also seen the first two films, and to say they lived down to my expectations in a spectacular fashion is something of an understatement.

It was this very plot line that became the subject of a conversation Saturday morning between me and Beloved, as we drove to one of the semi-monthly farmer’s markets available at this time of year.  Don’t ask me how it came up, but we found ourselves discussing the peculiar notion some people of an intensely religious persuasion have that the Harry Potter novels are some sort of plot to turn The Upstanding Christian Youth Of Our Country into black-arts-practicing-Wiccans  (yes, we have odd discussions).  At some point, Beloved said something about the Twilight series being equally reviled, to which I replied:

“Actually, no – it’s been praised by a great many people for it’s strong ‘abstinence before marriage’ and anti-abortion messages.”

Looking appropriately perplexed, Beloved asked, “Abstinence?  Abortion?  What?  Before or after he sucks her blood?”

“Well, he never sucks her blood,” I reply.  “He never sucks anyone’s blood – he’s a vegetarian.”

“How the hell can a vampire be a vegetarian?!?”

“He only sucks the blood of animals, not humans.”

“And that makes him a vegetarian.”

“Hey – I don’t make the news, I only report it.”

“This is for ethical reasons?”


“Just animals.”


“Like the cat next door?”

“Oh, no,” I say.  “They hunt dangerous animals – like cougars and grizzly bears – in an attempt to assuage their more bestial nature.” (Note:  don’t ask me how PETA has missed out on this, because I couldn’t tell you.)

“Okay…so if he never sucks her blood, how does it all end?”

“You really don’t want to know.”

“Yes, I do.”

“NO, you don’t.  Trust me on this.”

“C’mon – don’t leave me hanging; tell me.”

“Read the damn books yourself, then!”

“I’d rather not.”

“Then watch the movies; they’re reasonably faithful to the books.”

“I don’t want to waste my time.”

“Well, I don’t want to waste my time telling you about them!”

“You’ve got me intrigued – I won’t leave you alone until you tell me.”

“You’re going to be sorry you insisted.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Oooookaaaaay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.  Let me think about how to put this, because it’s just THAT stupid.”

Beloved laughs.

“Yeah, you’re laughing now…So, he pressures her into marrying him because he’s ‘old fashioned’ and won’t have sex until he’s married and then he knocks her up – ”

“Wait – he’s a vampire and he can have sex and get someone pregnant?”

“Don’t interrupt.  Anyway, the baby is killing her and she won’t let them give her an abortion and then the baby breaks her spine and he injects his ‘venom’ into her while performing a c-section on her with his teeth and the werewolf guy becomes fixated on the baby and someone tells the vampire mafia that they’ve made a child into a vampire which is against the rules and the vampire mafia comes after them so the ‘good guy’ vampires recruit a whole bunch of other vampires from all over the world to help them battle the vampire mafia but when the vampire mafia shows up there’s no battle and everyone lives happily ever after.”

“…you’re right, I wish I hadn’t asked.”

“I told you so.”