The Post In Which I Embarrass My Children

Vodka Mom has an amusing post about what you should never tell your mother.  I was going to respond, but my answer took on a life of it’s own so I thought I’d just post it over here.

I have to say I agree with her – I don’t want to hear about it either.  It’s enough to know they do it.  So when my adult children tell me about their sex lives, I tend to put my fingers in my ears and chant, “lalalalalalalaaaaaa” loudly and repeatedly until they get the hint and go away.

Hey, it could be worse – I could give them the same reaction they give me when confronted with the fact I have a sex life, and scream, “EEEEWWWWWW, GROOOOOOOOSSSSS!!!” and make desperate retching noises.

I didn’t become sexually active until I was 18 (for someone who grew up in the 60s and 70s, I was quite the prude) and while I was afraid to get the pill, I did buy some contraceptive foam and condoms, which I immediately buried in the bottom of the large cedar chest in my bedroom.  Whacky-But-Lovable sister, who was then 13 and had been the bane Ramona Quimby of my existence since the day of her birth, made regular reconnaissance missions through my things.  She dug them up and handed them to my mother, saying she’d found them under my bed while cleaning our room.

Right.  Like she ever cleaned our room.  *hmph*

My mother confronted me with this after I came home from a date that weekend, saying she had found them under my bed while cleaning my room.  My mother was a formidable woman, and I believe this was the first (and possibly last) time I stood up to her.  I told her she should be glad I was taking precautions and not to even try to bother lying, because I knew good and darn well where I’d put the stuff and next time she better make sure Whacky-But-Lovable had her facts straight.  Also, was she going to punish the little brat for a) snooping and b) lying, two absolutely verboten activities in our home?

She changed the subject and suggested we both go to bed.

That was the last time my mother and I discussed my sex life.  And I learned to lock things in the trunk of my car, after I hid them in the spare tire well.

15 thoughts on “The Post In Which I Embarrass My Children”

  1. When TR was home for Thanksgiving she asked if she could have Shrek (I haven’t used him!) She lives w/seven girls and they want to make him their college mascot and put him on display in their family room.

    I told her he might be in her stocking Christmas morning.

    Twenty Four At Hearts last blog post..Random Tidbits

  2. ROFLMAO @ hiding condoms in the tire well. I’m trying to get the mental image of you fishing around looking for necessary objects in your trunk in the heat of the moment. But then again, you are Jan, my hero, and you probably planned ahead and had them in your purse. *wink*

  3. No dear….I was the prude. I was a virgin when I got married because I was scared to death to get pregnant and also because I was too afraid to seek birth control. LOL

    My daughter shares too much still to this day. Ugh……what was I thinking when I had children. *wink*

    Midlife Slicess last blog post..When Did This Happen?

  4. My mother pulled a stunt like that once. I suspected her of snooping in my things so I wrote a fake entry in my diary. Saying I had gone to a specific motel with my then boyfriend, she then told me someone had seen me at that motel… two towns over.


    She dropped it.

    I promised myself I wouldn’t do that, so far so good.

    Anndis last blog post..Canada’s favourite dancer…

  5. My mother fancied herself quite enlightened. But I knew the truth, so I hid all of my paraphenalia from her (not so hard to do, considering I didn’t live at home). When I’d spend the night at my boyfriend’s, though, if my mother called my apartment, my roommate would tell her I was in the bathroom. Then she’d call me and I’d rush back to my place so I could return my mother’s call and say, honestly and innocently, that I was at home. When boyfriend and I finally got engaged, my mother asked me if we’d “done it.” I screwed up my courage and said, yes. And her response: “whew! if you hadn’t, I’d be afraid he was gay.”

    ByJanes last blog post..Letter to my son

  6. ROFLMAO This post was hilarious. The things my mother doesn’t know to this day….and if she knew now would probably put her into her grave. LOL

    I’m with SMB; I can just see you getting ready to do it, and then having to run out to your car and dig around for the birth control. LOL

    My mother once called my apartment and I’d spent the night at my boyfriend’s house. Mom had called at 7am and no one answered, so she knew that I wasn’t in the “bathroom.” When I got home and she finally got ahold of me like at 9am, she was nearly hysterical. I told her that we’d gone out to breakfast and she seemed to buy it. To this day I think she thinks I was a virgin when I got married the first time but…ummm… I was far from it. LOL

    Midlife Mamas last blog post..Getting into the Christmas spirit

  7. yeah…no mother/daugher communication on much of anything, let alone sex…so nothing to really add here, except for…that stash spot might have made for some interesting looks if you’d had to cross the border and forgotten about them…might have made some border crossing guard’s memoirs…and his day…

    thistles last blog post..Laptop vs Lapdog etc etc….

  8. What’s that a picture of? I’ve never seen anything that resembles dancing bottles?

    When my parents tell me they have sex, I do the EEEEWWWWWW, GROOOOOOOOSSSSS! If anyone reminds me that my child will one day have sex, I just faint.

    tricias last blog post..Birthday Wishes and Mishaps

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