There will be no blondie recipe tonight, I’m afraid, because I couldn’t make them. Why? I didn’t have enough sugar. Poor Young One, he will have to take fruit in his lunch tomorrow. Such injustice.
I did, however, get to make another lunch staple (besides the bread). You see, I haven’t bought potato chips in ages, for a couple of reasons. They are horribly expensive and they have absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever. Combine that with the whole trans-fats thing and they have become a verboten item in this house.
So we eat popcorn. And while I can’t attest to the nutritional profile of popcorn, I’m fairly sure it’s better than that of potato chips, especially because I don’t buy the microwave stuff (which appears to be every bit as bad for you as chips). So, I make it in job lots a couple of times a week on my stove in the smaller of my stockpots. I have gotten so good at it, as a matter of fact, that I have Kettle Corn down to an art form with the perfect balance of sweet and salty.
To cut down on the boredom factor, I began buying shakers of various popcorn flavorings. We can now have Movie Theatre Style, Creamy Ranch, Zesty Cheddar Cheese and Buttery Jalapeño, all of which are very tasty. The very first time I purchased this stuff I glanced, at best, at these handy instructions:
“Always add seasoning after popping. Shake seasoning onto prepared popcorn to taste. Shake or stir popcorn until completely mixed (a closed container or bag works best). If using a hot air popper, lightly coat popcorn with a vegetable oil spray before mixing.”
Notice it says nothing on there about using salt with this flavoring…because I didn’t. You know why it doesn’t suggest that you salt the popcorn along with using the flavorings? Because the first ingredient in each one is, whaddya know, SALT, another thing I failed to take note of. So what did I do?
I added salt. A lot of it.
Another thing they don’t include in their handy instructions, but should be there in BOLD! CAPS! FOLLOWED! BY! EXCLAMATION! POINTS! are the words, “Use sparingly.” Because if there is such a thing as “salt concentrate” it is in this stuff. The first time made flavored popcorn I took three or four pieces and tossed them eagerly into my mouth, whereupon it suddenly developed a dryness that would rival the Sahara while my body immediately bloated to roughly the size and shape of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. I don’t have a real clear memory of what happened after that, but I believe it involved me laying on the floor with my mouth poised directly under the open spigot of our kitchen water cooler.
The Young One may have sauntered by at one point, grumbling “You never let ME do that.” But I can’t be sure, being in the throes of advanced sodium overload as I was. Which I’m sure saved his rotten little neck.
Needless to say, I’ve figured out the proportions. But if I ever want to do away with anyone, I have the perfect way to do it.